I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
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Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.