We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
TODAY
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*