The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I identify as an antique shop.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.