Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
This is a true ally.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted