They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Maths meets science
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Cool shirt 🙂
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.