Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder