*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
This did not end as expected.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie