if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Day 2 of my diet
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Best seat on the street 😍
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
me 2 months after i graduated
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁