Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
sugar glider wrangler
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”