He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I don鈥檛 want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
So. I didn鈥檛 win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
HR says I鈥檓 not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: I hate it when I realize I鈥檝e made a bad decision, but I鈥檓 too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.