Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I was just discussing this with my cat
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.