Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
the three genders
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.