Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.