ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..