If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Wake me when AI does housework
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion