Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Okay, I’m still confused…
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.