[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
good work, everybody
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.