I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.