I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
You Might Also Like
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime