Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.