Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips