my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
You Might Also Like
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.