date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD