“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Trumpy Cat
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.