I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.