If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?