The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
You Might Also Like
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.