If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
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My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
this is 10/10 content no notes
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.