I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Hmmmmm
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy