*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Care for your back
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37