Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.