Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home