Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”