If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.