*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Spring of Deception
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone