If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
not to brag, but mine was free
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]