i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
twitter is a journey
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol