Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.