Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.