ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
12. I think about this all the damn time
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.