People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.