I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.