I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.