damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean