Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.