*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
You Might Also Like
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My boss called in sick of me
This pepper has seen some shit
#parenting
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Unimpressed
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey