comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say