I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
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Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!