Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
the simulation is moving too fast
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Spoiler Alert: I was late
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t