No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
You Might Also Like
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]